As I lay in bed one morning, months after the initial shock of discovering the betrayal trauma in my own marriage, I had a startling realization: I didn’t recognize the person beside me. It wasn’t a case of forgetfulness. Despite encountering this person daily over the past two decades and being familiar with their outward appearance, I realized I knew little about them.
I used to think I knew them inside out, but after uncovering so many lies, I started to doubt if they even know themselves. I realized it felt like they were constantly wearing different masks, putting on facades, and telling half-truths. Who were they, really? And did I even want to stick around anymore? I mean, most people would probably ditch a friend who lied a couple of times… but what do you do when you find out your spouse has been spinning big lies and little fibs every single day?
What do you do? Do you give space and time for them to heal their childhood wounds and trauma that led them to control what others thought of them, or do you realize things may never change and bail? Can a liar change?
Every person in a relationship has a cord. The cord is what they hold onto in their relationship. When things are easy, and there’s comfortable intimacy in all the right places, the cord has a lot of slack and is plentiful. When intimacy starts to fall apart, the cord starts to get taut. When there is unresolved conflict, the cord starts to shorten.
When you realize the person you’re with has worn a mask the whole time, you question if you want to hold onto that cord anymore, whether or not there is a lot left. You question who is holding the other end. I think it’s fair to consider not holding onto it anymore.
You are not guilty of being here with them. You aren’t to blame for winding up in this situation. People who lie and hide themselves from others are master manipulators. They have carefully curated the person you see before you into a version they hope you’d like. And the version they hoped their parents would like…and their friends…and their coworkers. You’re not alone in feeling tricked. They have tricked everyone, including themselves.
If you find yourself in this situation, you are not alone. Working with a therapist helps to calm your nervous system, rebuild your self-worth, and safely decide your next steps.
